塵埃落定

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過了兩星期的冬假我們在電話旁苦苦守候了兩天,以為在 Poole 的機會已不復再,殊不知一個unknown call改寫了我們的命運。

卡下星期開始係蘇格蘭返工了, 以平民的身份在之前一個海軍基地正在建造的航空母艦建造電腦。我正樂此不疲地看各式各樣在新屋添置家私,執拾細軟,準備搬屋。

當初卡話要辭工時大家都半信半疑,我都諗住要節衣縮食好一段時間才會揾到工,點知海軍都未出晒糧就已經有四份工搵上門,重有兩份confirm咗。一月中佢本身個last day 都未到就可以開新工。我地係蘇格蘭搵屋時都只係諗住物價平啲啲錢見洗啲,但點知又搵到間幾理想的單位,最估唔到有份只係五分鐘車程的工係我地未開始揾工時竟然自己搵上門,人工還不差。

好多竟然。

竟然我離開咗香港。

竟然香港而家攪到咁。

竟然我可以有一個可以依賴的人。

竟然卡有份好工。

竟然我地有能力買我地喜歡的家私。

竟然我有自己的一個家。

竟然我地可以選擇去哪裡,唔駛好似知前咁年年等換post,仲可以寸得起推咗另一個job offer。

竟然我全英國都差唔多住勻晒。

竟然我是幸運兒。

離開了這個地方後,我不想再說無謂的大話,在教我的孩子不要怕我時,我唔想再怕我的家人而哩樣又收口,果樣又就住。對唔住,唔係無禮貌,係我唔想再做一個咁虛偽的人。我唔再係嗰個瑟縮係牆角怕痛怕滕條嘅細路女,我有我嘅知識有我嘅見識有我嘅道德觀,我有我嘅權利去表達我嘅睇法,我可以話我唔係咁諗,而唔係好地地就要認同我地好相似,發脾氣就話你就咁咁咁你唔好理我。我都怕咗咁多年啦,我怕夠啦。

一說到現實和社會,你的語言只充滿恐懼和無奈,作為一個被社會制度壓迫的人寧願同情欺壓者。你對自己的人生無力,對社會的不公平無力,對當權者的邪惡無力,但對只係細路的我們你有如上帝的權力,因此你要我聽話,你不要聽我的。而家我牛高馬大,當我一說任何不贊成你嘅說話,你就手忙腳亂。我不是要和你對抗,但我真的看不過眼。我永願站在學生的一方,因為我的母校教我們成為地上的鹽,世界的光,就算無能力發熱發亮也不要習慣在黑暗生活而為黑暗辯解。因為歷史永遠站在真理和自由的一方,而我會為捍為說出真相的自由不怕強權。

 

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After two weeks of  winter holiday, we were sitting next to the phone impatiently for two days. It was really dreadful. We thought the offer in Poole was not there anymore. Yet there was an unknown call and it changed everything.

Carl is going to start working the week after next in Scotland as a civilian for the computer system of an aircraft carrier. I am over the moon and excitedly reading all the furniture catalogues, packing, preparing to get moving.

This time last year when Carl decided to leave the Royal Navy, everyone is not quite sure about his decision. Even I was prepared to live on tight budget for a good while until he finds a job. However, he has already had a good few invitations for job interviews before his last pay is given. And two were confirmed. And he is going to start working in a couple of weeks time. We decided to live in Scotland partly because we hope the saving can last longer, yet we found quite a nice cosy flat, and he will be working only a mile from where we live.

Many surprises in life.

To my surprise, I have left Hong Kong for good like that.

To my surprise, Hong Kong is pretty scary now.

To my surprise, I have found someone I can trust and love.

To my surprise, Carl now has a rather good job without any searching.

To my surprise, we will be able to own a few piece of nicer furnitures.

To my surprise, I have a family of my own.

To my surprise, now we can choose where to live, rather than passively waiting to be arranged like the early years. And Carl can even turn down a job.

To my surprise, I have lived almost everywhere in the UK.

To my surprise, I am the lucky one.

After leaving this place, I want to stop lying. While teaching my son not to fear me or anyone, I cannot allow myself keeping my mouth shut when I don’t agree with my family even when it is more convenient. I am sick of being a hypocrite. I am no longer that 5-year-old hiding in the corner because I am scared of being spanked or confronting my parents. I have been to places, I have seen the world and I know quite a few things. I have my grounds to stand on. I can say I don’t agree with people. I hate hearing she says we are so much alike when she is in the good mood and ‘you live your good life and mind your own business’ when I try to tell my point of view. I have been scared of her and compromising for so many years. Enough is enough.

When we talk about the society and the bigger picture, you can only speak in the language of fear and conformation. You would rather speak on the behalf of the suppressors even when you are being suppressed. You can’t control your life, you can’t control the society, you can’t control the economy, but you could control every aspect of my life as a child. Once you have the slightest power you become a suppressor yourself.  I will always stand by the side of the weak, the young, the powerless. My school taught us to be the light of the world and the salt of the earth. Even when I am not able to give light and warmth to this world, I will never let myself getting used to living in the dark, let alone defending the evil. Because I will defend the freedom of speaking the truth and freedom itself at all cost, for myself and for anybody.

垃垃雜 · A bit of everything

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還有一星期才知道下年我們究竟留在 Dorset還是搬去蘇格蘭。

這星期做麵包往往也不成功,不是跳了步驟就是心不在焉。心亂如麻,連最普通的麵包也不成功,常常也匆匆忙忙的,這種叫人焦急如熱鍋上的螞蟻的等待,實在是痛苦。做麵包真係一種修行,尤其在心神彷彿之時。

聖誕過了,我地都無買新玩具俾 bertie。哩度啲父母好興都包十幾份禮物俾佢地每個仔女,但 Bertie 係生日之後重有好多掂都未掂過嘅玩具,我地真係無乜點買玩具俾佢,雖然你睇啲相好似好多野玩咁,但比起人地佢真係算少。最大原因係佢好似對啲膠玩具興趣不大,俾乜佢都係摸兩摸然後寧願去玩啲蘋果,鑊鏟,洗衣機門,等等,最鐘意就係我地大人啲杯。我同卡都贊成,給他雙倍的時間和耐性,但比其他人一半的金錢,尤其係佢咁細時,買乜俾佢都唔記得㗎啦,坐低陪佢講故仔佢仲開心。我們也不想助長消費主義,這個世界已夠多人買夠多中國製造的垃圾了,唔需要預埋我地啦。

Bertie 還是睡得很差,昨晚兩點佢就訓夠,我掙扎咗一個鐘帶咗佢落樓下玩,佢推住隻玩具驢仔行來行去,我地四點半返番去訓,但六點鐘佢又起身,雖然卡帶咗佢落樓下,但佢每個鐘就帶佢返上嚟一次整醒我。下晝我想訓晏覺,一訓著卡又帶佢上嚟,我現在感覺像喪屍,但係 Bertie 仲未眼訓。

佢今日爬到上成條樓梯,但距離佢識行,還有一段日子。

卡送了一件Jigsaw 的外套和幾件冷衫給我。他自己又添購了一件 ted baker的西裝褸和一對皮鞋。我本身嫌我件褸太貴,一心諗住都係要件HM/Zara/馬莎的貨仔,想退貨。自從大肚後的穿著也很求其,大肚時諗住啲野著幾個月就唔啱size,買少啲浪費少啲,生咗後件件衫都要扯高扯低喂奶,好快著舊,兼且成日都唔得閒又下下都要上網購物,住得咁郊區個個都係牛仔褲同wellies,就算我唔理得咁多,著來著去都係果幾件,但在哩頭我都算姿整。唯一有恆心的是有keep 住剪頭髮。

哩幾日有睇咗幾個 chapter 書,但我真係無精力去講除咗我們這一家的事,希望下年會好少少,明年花更好。希望新的一年能keep 到個好啲的record 和食少啲朱古力。

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We still have to wait another week to know where are we going to move to in a few weeks time. Poole or Dunfermline.

Didn’t have any luck in breadmaking since Christmas day. Either I was rushing or I skipped some important steps. I failed to make even the simple no-knead bread.This long wait is driving me nuts.

Christmas has come and gone. We haven’t bought any toys for Bertie. It seems to me most family here spend a lot on children’s presents here. But Bertie still has plenty of new toys he hasn’t even touched since his birthday. We don’t want to buy for buying’s sake. To be fair, we hardly even bought him toys. Most of his toys are from our generous friends and family. It is mainly because he doesn’t show much interest in plastic toys. He loves playing with potatoes, apples and the cooking utensils instead. The washing machine and the cupboard fascinate him most. We leave a cupboard of full of baking tins for him to explore. What he likes most is our coffee cups. Carl and I agree it is better to give him double our time and patience, but half of the money others would spend on their children. Especially when he is this young and he does not care much about materialism. He is happier to see us sitting on the floor and read stories with him than opening another new box of plastic toys. There are enough people spending enough money to buy all sort of crap that are made in China. They may as well count us out.

We still sleep very poorly last night. I woke up for him at 2am and finally got out of the bed at 3am. We went back to bed at half 4 but he was totally up at 6am again. Carl took him downstairs but he brought him back to me every hour. I am completely knackered. I tried to have a nap at 3pm but Carl thought Bertie soiled his nappy and took him upstairs to change, so I was waken up again. I feel like a zombie now.

I can’t wait him start walking. He climbed upstairs all by himself today. I know it won’t be long, but I bet there will still be a couple months to go before he can walk.

Carl got me a Jigsaw coat. He bought himself a Ted Baker blazer and a nice pair of brown shoes too. I was expecting another normal Zara or H&M or M&S coat and thought this is too dear for me. I even thought of sending it back. Since I was pregnant I haven’t been thinking much about style or fashion. Firstly, I haven’t had any income. Secondly, the maternity clothes would be useless in a few months time, so why bother; and since Bertie was born, all my jumpers are pulled or stretched to the way they shouldn’t be because I have to nurse Bertie, and they look rather old quite soon. Also, we are not living in London anymore, it is more difficult to shop and people generally dress very causally, a pair of jeans and wellies takes me a long way. Even I don’t really care what I wear, people still say ‘I am not surprised that you are an artist’, so I think I have been doing well. I still go to the hairdresser monthly and buy some plain t-shirts to keep up. But that’s how far I can go.

I tried to read a bit these days, but I really don’t have energy to discuss anything beside myself and Bertie. I hope I can keep a better diary in the new year and eat less chocolate.

倒數十日 /The Countdown

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又到咗最後倒數十日,今年仿佛好漫長但又好似好短,小朋友一天一天長大,一歲之後還是黐到我實一實,時間往往點都唔夠用。

Run 咗哩個 domain 好耐,但係自從 Bertie 出世後,好少update,因為真係無時間畫畫,無乜野好噏地。我好佩服有啲畫家如 Oana Befort,佢今年生咗個女後都有密密更新佢個portfolio。

可能只係係因為為我懶啦。但係每一日我都筋疲力盡,然後凌晨三兩點又要起身。有時我抱怨,有時我真係覺得頂唔順,然後我花很多時間在無謂的面書上,因為我整天就係在喂佢,在搖佢哄佢訓覺,坐係地上同佢玩,我一整日就咁去咗,而我睇唔到書,學唔到電腦,做唔到正經野,唯有睇無聊野。

琴日朝早我哄咗佢成粒鐘佢都訓唔番,四五點終於起身同佢玩,玩咗個多鐘好彩又眼訓,我地一齊返去訓,臨上樓上前在雪櫃裡拿出前晚預備的玉桂麵包,預咗訓得無幾耐又要起身,剛剛好個零兩個鐘後佢又訓夠,我地落樓下,麵團剛好發大了,我把麵包放進焗爐焗半個鐘,卡落樓下喝第一杯茶時剛好整間屋充滿著新鮮麵包和玉桂的香味。我們和他在地上玩了一回,我想上樓上喝我的咖啡,沒久 Bertie 就開始哭著找我,我嘗試在睡房哄佢訓,佢唔肯,我地幫佢換片,又落樓下玩,玩咗一陣佢終於係我懷裡瞌著,我就趁哩個時間讀我的教科書,佢訓咗個幾鐘。佢起身後我孭住佢出街買野,返屋企後放低佢去晾衫,無幾耐佢又好唔開心,於是我抱佢去喂佢,係床上佢終於訓咗,於是我鼠出去做自己野,剛剛將 Blogger 的內容移去 WordPress 後,佢又醒咗,落樓下玩,又只肯坐係我大脾上,於是我去煮飯,放佢係BB凳上,坐係我後面,一路做野一路俾啲木匙羹佢玩一路同佢講野。食完飯,掃地執臺洗碗,佢都係坐係我後面,一路做野一路同佢玩。然後同佢沖涼,沖完涼都係未眼訓,於是同佢係地下玩,你見佢好認真地聽我講故仔,好開心咁追住我推車仔,一見我坐低就放鬆下來,像一個卑微的需要被滿足了,真係明白佢有幾愛我,幾需要我俾時間佢。九點鐘,佢終於眼訓喇,於是我帶佢去訓,十五分鐘內訓著,好好采。我返番電腦前,個blog 有啲 bug 要fix,四十五分鐘佢醒咗,我叫卡睇佢,佢見唔係我,喊到唔肯收聲,我要做埋手上啲野先訓,但叫佢地等五分鐘就像天塌下來一樣,我趕快解決了那問題就去陪佢訓覺了。

今日大概都係一樣,四五點鐘佢就訓夠,只係唔知點解下晝四點鐘佢先眼訓。

同時間我還在讀書考試中掙扎,在永遠都洗唔完的衫和碗間掙扎,在面對卡在職業上的大改變中掙扎,就嚟搬屋,但去向不明。

雖然付了年費但無法定時更新這個網頁,也常常很感覺挫敗。整麵包算係我唯一的減壓。

今年就像乜都無做過,睇咗無幾多本書,無寫過任何見得人嘅野,未完成過一幅油畫。就像整年也為訓多兩個鐘覺而掙扎。這是很不輕鬆,很沉悶,重重覆覆去做同樣樣的事,喂哺 Bertie,半夜起身,抱他一整天,等卡回來,煮晚飯做家務,有多餘時間才能讀書,明天無論星期幾也是做同樣的事。今年是沒有假放的一年。

今年是充滿愛的一年。愛不是在面書曬的,不是下下都係溫馨和甜蜜,甚至是充滿掙扎和無奈。愛是夜半三更怕我不見了,怕我不會再和他玩了,於是要叫醒我,爬在我的臉上,插我眼,拍手。愛是在陌生的地方感到不安全於是只要我抱,在生保床成晚要喂要抱。愛是在我做甚麼他也要八掛。愛是聽到我把聲就唔喊。

這一年,一事無成,放低自我,周身骨痛廢寢忘餐地感覺愛與被愛。

一個很久沒見也沒怎麼談話的舊同學,在我吐了一輪苦水後問:「咁你開唔開心呀?」的確,今年係開心的一年。

 

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So it comes to the last 10 days of 2014. It feels like a very very long year. I have encountered many challenges and big changes. My little boy has just had his one year old birthday but he is still as clingy as he always has been. I never have enough time to get anything done.

I have been paying to host this website as my portfolio for a long while but I rarely update since Bertie was born because I don’t have time to paint as I used to. I often envy the illustrator Oana Befort. She does amazing drawings and she never stops even she has two young children to take care of after her lovely little girl was born this year.

Maybe it is just me. But every night I go to bed exhausted and get up at 3am to sit on the floor to play with Bertie. Sometimes I complain, sometimes I whine, and I spend far too much time on Facebook because my mobile is the only distraction I can get hold of when I nurse Bertie, when I rock him to sleep, when I sit on the floor with him, which literally take up all my waking hours.

We woke up at 5am yesterday to play with Bertie after many attempts to put him back to sleep since 2am, and he went back to sleep for an hour after half 6. I managed to put my cinnamon buns out to rise and put them in the oven after we woke up. The whole house is filled with the smell of cinnamon and fresh bread when Carl came down for his first cup of tea. We tried to play a while on the floor. Bertie looked happy so I went upstairs to finish my coffee. Then he started whining. We tried to put him to nap, no luck. We changed his nappy and took him downstairs. I rocked him on the sofa on my lap, he finally nodded off. I read my uni book with he was in my arms, still a baby. He woke up after one and a half hour. I put him in the baby carrier and went for a walk. We came back and I went to put the laundry up. He still did not want to play or practise walking after 3 solid hours of attaching to me. So I nursed him and he fell asleep in the bed. I sneaked out from the bed and try to do something with this website. As soon as I managed to import the blogger content to WordPress, he woke up again. We went downstairs to play but he just wanted to sit on my lap. So I went to make dinner, he sat in the highchair behind me and played with some kitchen utensils. I was also talking to him and imitating the noises I was making while cooking. We put him to bath after dinner and tidying up. He was not sleepy. So I read stories to him and played cars with him on the floor. You can just see from his face how delighted he is when I am chilled to play with him and read to him. He just looks so humble and pleased. He looked sleepy about 9pm, so I put him to bed. He fell asleep within 15minutes. Lucky. I went back to my computer. Forty five minutes later he woke up found himself alone, and started crying. I was in the middle of something and could not stay with him. I asked Carl to come. Carl did but Bertie was not happy and kept crying loudly. I hurried to finish whatever I am doing in 5 minutes. And I went to bed.

Just another day.

And today is more or less the same.

I struggle with my homework and uni exam. I struggle with a very messy house. I struggle to adapt to my husband’s career change. Plus, we are moving soon.

I struggle to keep this website. I struggle to give credit to myself. Only when making bread I feel I can release my stress.

I feel like I have done absolutely nothing. It has been a year of struggling to keep my head above water. It is stressful. It is boring. It is monotonous.

But this is love. Love is not something you show on Facebook. Love is not always about happiness and sweetness,not flowers and chocolate. Love is him worrying that I will disappear at 3 in the morning or I would not play with him anymore, so he has to jump up and down on my face and poke me in the eyes and clap his little hands even when I am dying to sleep an extra hour. Love is him only wanting to be held by me in a strange place for a whole day and nurse the whole night in a new bed. Love is seeking for attention. Love is him looking for approval. Love is him stopping crying when he hears me. Love is him thinking he is still part of me, literally.

A year to slow down. A year to learn from little things. A year to love and to be loved.

An old schoolmate asked, ‘So are you happy?’ after I mourned an awful lot. Yes, I am. It has been a good year.

杏仁提子燕麥餅乾

今日中午口痕,見屋企無野食,又唔願出街,於是搵下個廚櫃有咩好食,就整咗這個餅乾。

杏仁提子燕麥餅乾提子乾 100g
太陽花籽油 150ml
糖 100g
熱水 50ml
大雞蛋  一隻
杏仁精華 一茶羹
玉桂粉  隨意
中筋麵粉 150g
梳打粉  1/4茶羹
鹽  少許
燕麥片 (非即食)300g
切片杏仁  40g

1. 預熱焗爐 gas mark 4/ 200c。將提子乾放入熱水浸20 分鐘。

2. 將油和糖在大碗中用木羹攪伴,然後續一加入提子水,雞蛋,杏仁精華,玉桂粉。

3. 分幾次用密梢箕篩麵粉,梳打粉和鹽進糖和油的混合物,慢慢攪拌。

4. 把麥片也攪拌入去,再加入提子乾和杏仁。

5. 用羹分開一小球平均分開在已有牛油紙的烤盤上,用手掌輕輕壓一壓,我大概做了30 個,八個一盤。焗15 分鐘至金黃色,拿出來放在鐵架上待涼了就可以用來送茶了。

這個食譜是參考 BBC 的 http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/oatmeal-raisin-cookies,但我用了太陽花籽油和加了杏仁口味。搬了新居口打算自仔無糖蘋果醬來代替蛋糕的牛油,好多食譜的油也可以用蘋果醬或南瓜醬替代,咁就健康好多,好多時其他朱古力或生果的味道也較濃會把蘋果味蓋過。

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今日可能係這一年最接近「正常」的一日。聽咗幾個鐘 Damien Rice 和 Coldplay 的新碟。人老了的定義係唔再聽新歌,今年真係少咗機會update 下,download 咗都無時間聽。

卡今日最後一日返工,同意了搬屋的日子,新屋一月十三號就可以入伙,唔知卡嚟緊兩個禮拜的 job interview會點,好多野都唔知又幫唔都手。

同細佬交流咗幾句。

開始睇下我朋友問我可唔可以接freelance 的 doc。
小朋友今日好好訓,不過這幾晚兩點後就訓得好差,唔擔心得咁多了,我都好始慣咗夜晚唔駛訓,日頭都好精神。佢而家好似有力咗,好肯推住隻驢仔係屋企走來走去。遲啲新屋係單位無樓上樓下,反而好似大咗,有更加多地方俾佢走動,唔駛怕佢一個係第間房。

今日遠方的香港終於清了場。這幾個月看到差人能有多恐佈,而又有幾多人還能扮中立是非不分,充耳不聞或以為自己啲陰謀論好醒,Bertie,你真係好幸福,能在一個不用日日夜夜抗爭去指出國王無著衫,或虛偽地為國王的新衣讚好。你要做一個見義勇為,不怕困難,放眼世界,為對的事一直堅持到底的人,像今天的哥哥姐姐。我其實係一個好懦弱的人,我唔夠膽大聲向強權說不,但我要在家開始教你,你可以說不,你有你的理據時我會聽,如果你能說服我我不用你為我妥協,不用你奉承取悅我。對不公平的事,對無理的制度說不,應由家中,由學校開始。我係一個懦弱的人,但為了你我會堅強,要教你對不公平不正確的事說不。

由於我而家還係時常抱你,和你一起睡,你還在我身上得到主要的營養,我仿佛覺得你和我還是一體,就像一年前你在我的肚裡,不用做任何事,你就從我身上得到一切成長所需,我就是你的家。想不到已經一年,這種連繫還是那麼密切。從一開始你一不見我就哭,現在你開始在我笑時你也笑,好像以為我們是同一體的,有一天你會要你的獨立,你的自由,我都會給你,不,那是本能,不是我賜與的,一年過了,我習慣了我的mini me,讓我們珍惜現在,珍惜這些你不會記得起的時光。

今年收到兩個(超市集印花)新 cast iron pot 做聖誕哩,卡給我那個已用來煮了好幾餐了,還有朋友堅持送我另一個細少少的。希望新屋的光線好少少,可以入夜都影到啲過得去的相那我就可以update 一下除了餅乾麵包蛋糕早餐的食譜。最期待係那個超大的雪櫃和洗碗機。

愛丁堡今日已經落雪了。唔好咁快落完,等埋我地!上年無見過雪啊。

一歲之後

小朋友滿一歲,但佢還是一個 BB。

上個星期上咗蘇格蘭搵屋租,搵到,裝修好近車站,超好彩,即刻落咗訂,但過兩個星期卡又去倫敦見工,佢話個經理好有心,好似有機會咁。去咗卡媽咪屋期過 Bertie 生日。乜都比佢揸晒主意,好似係慶祝佢做嫲嫲一周年咁,我同卡都只係客人,我話我想整蛋糕,佢話佢已經安排咗,我話但係我係佢媽咪喎,佢話你可以整啲小蛋糕在旁,之後竟然只係最普通嘅 白色 icing 蛋糕。我唔食icing,所以都無乜點食。我同卡結婚就比我媽咪決定晒點攪,我個仔一歲生日就成為咗卡媽咪的派對,唉,明明應該係我話事,次次都係咁,都唔知係我心軟唔會表達不滿定係真係唔到我。

下下都要等佢地安排先可以食野或做其他野,同埋 Bertie 又唔習慣成日要我抱返,其實係屋企仲無咁辛苦,起碼個廚房係我自己的,可以由得佢食到一地都係唔駛怕佢整污糟啲地氈。

今年聖誕我地決定係屋企過,反正如過真係搬去蘇格蘭一月又要揸一轉超長途車。

功課三千字遲咗足足一星期交。都唔知自己寫乜,返嚟之後 Bertie 又勁嘍計,就出牙仔又有啲傷風,攪到我同卡都有啲傷風,佢哩兩晚又訓得超差,甚至要好似 BB 咁搖佢,唱歌仔先訓得著,日頭又勁要抱,我都唔知點好。又就嚟出牙仔,完全唔肯食野只係飲奶,我超累。

見到人地7個月嘅第一次帶佢去卡媽媽屋期,任人抱,放低佢,都唔會喊,比乜佢佢玩乜。有好多朋友話佢地啲小朋友都係咁,但 Bertie 由 day 1到而家都係陌生地方訓覺一記得自己唔係屋企就喊醒,係屋企都嘍抱,唔係屋企唔好話陌生人,直程連卡都唔比抱,要我抱,我抱足佢成日兼夜晚喂足佢成晚,係酒店房卡唔可以半夜佢唔肯訓時帶佢去第間房玩比我訓,幾日係酒店就幾日都完全無得訓,出咗門一日我已經我同卡講,我真係好想,好想返屋企。我真係無辦法帶佢返香港。有時我真係有啲 jealous。

ok,我知 it could be worse…… 我只係間唔時抱怨下。

有時我真係覺得,我真係唔知點撐下去。有些日子,只會想像唔駛湊仔可以做乜。有些日子,真係幾日都無得訓但未掂過啲功課一事無成,又賺唔到錢,好氣屢。但我知道這些日子總會過去,總會過去,到頭來一切都會值得。我寧願今天當你需要我時,整夜不眠去告訴你我會在你身旁,去建立我地嘅信任,好過他朝整夜不眠去擔心你在逃避我而迷失了路。

但我真係好掛住可以整日在圖書館溫書的日子,雖然我真係一個好hea 嘅人……

我只能給你的

踏入十一個月之後,有好明顯的轉變。這段時間你突然喊少咗好多,開始牙牙學語,用唔同嘅動作或聲調去表達你嘅需要,亦開始喜歡同卡玩。你亦開始明白我行開清潔廚房唔駛驚我唔要你,開始可以自己一個玩一陣,但係一見到我坐係到就衝埋嚟,無論我睇書check 電話都要搶,所以我用少咗好多電話。你對書比對玩具有興趣,鐘意我重覆又重覆地同你睇貓貓書。雖然未識行,但手腳靈活咗好多,你嘅自由度大咗,嘍計嘍少咗,但對我嘅一舉一動都好有興趣,所以我都唔能夠講電話或send message,因為我尊重你,我做乜野都會解釋俾你聽,整緊野食時會俾野你試味,或者俾啲野你玩。我當你每一句  「呀呀拿拿」都係同我講緊野,唔能夠當你透明,亦難以分散注意力去同其他人講野。
從你出世到現在,我學會了很多,放棄了很多我一路以來可以控制或習以為常的東西,但得到了更多意想不到的收獲。同時我以為我睇開咗好多,但原來我比以前更難以釋懷。
你不是我的成績表。我媽媽說我和弟弟是她的成績表,我很不贊同。今天你會放食物入口,慢慢學會站立,行走,也不是我的功勞,只是時間和生理結構,係你自己嘅努力。今日我做甚麼也和你的將來沒直接的關係,甚至只係單純的為我自己。今日我還堅持喂母乳,係為你少啲病痛和敏感,令我第時擔心小啲;今日我對你有耐性,係讓他朝你會肯同我溝通,唔會對我恐懼,唔會越叫越走。今天我喜歡甚麼也自己動手做,選擇有機和對抗大財團的生活,當然我希望可以教你畫畫,教你整麵包,當然我更希望你會對世界好奇,對萬物存尊重和敬畏的心,你可能和爸爸一樣愛整電腦,可能青出於藍連屋也會自己起,又可能因為我大個了覺得錢係最重要,做大超市的總指揮,又或者和爸爸媽媽一樣夠十六歲就恨不得遠走高飛,去參軍,去旅行,去我聽都未聽過的地方。這一切都唔重要,因為我唔偉大,我唔係為咗你我點點點,我係為咗自己能成為一個更好的人。
從你未識講野前,我已在練習聆聽你的需要。好多人話啲細路唔聽爸爸媽媽話,鐘意聽補習先生或表哥表姐講,所以都會叫啲外人幫自己教仔。也許啲細路亦都會覺得無論自己講乜父母都係覺得自己啱晒,傾嚟都徙氣。我永遠都在你個邊,你夜晚訓得差,我唔急住要你喊到自己訓,因為我把你的喊聲看成溝通,喊得多會對腦部造成不必要的壓力甚至損害;你鐘意我抱,我查過常常被抱的孩子腦部發展得特別好,現在去邊都仲係孭住你;你一開始就唔鐘意我放食物入你個口到,對粥仔糊仔完全無興趣,我就諗,有咩動物係未預備好有牙仔就戒奶?於是就查書由幾時開始人個個幾個月就開始食糊仔,原來係因為用人奶的替代品唔夠營養,於是哩一百年啲人就鬥早開始俾 BB 食補給品,但人奶係最完美的營養來源,你知道你個胃好細,食咗其他野無胃口食奶,於是你抗拒其他食物。近排你有六隻牙仔,容易啲食野,於是對其他食物的興趣也大了。你差不多一歲,我都無迫住給你戒人奶,因為我知道你只有 60% 的抵抗力,其餘的還是靠我,雖然有時有啲辛苦,但我知你未預備好。我相信你知道自己要食乜野,訓幾多覺,就像我相信大自然每一隻野鹿野狼都知自己幾時戒奶,幾時離開媽媽一樣,我相信你嘅本能。
係每一個決定,每一個階段,都會有人覺得我縱容你,覺得我應該由你喊,覺得我應該迫你自己訓,迫你食野。開始時我都好懷疑自己,但我唔會輕易放棄,我努力去找出原因,不將你的行為當成要解決的問題。今日我知道,我唔需要任何人教我點湊仔。他朝當你不能達到我的期望時,當我生氣或失望時我亦唔會只係聽人話應該點教訓你,更唔會一時衝動講一些收唔返的晦氣說話,我一定會先聽你嘅解釋,從你嘅角度同能力去諗,唔會輕易話你多多藉口。我比你年長廿六年,我在任何一方面也比你有自制能力,我嘅責任係保護你,無論你係一個怎樣的人,和引導你,去做你想做而不會傷害其他因的人,而唔係迫你去成為我認可的,社會認可的一個人。我唔會出賣你嘅信任,我唔會俾藉口自己一時衝動而傷害你。我知道我唔能夠選擇你會記得我地一齊嘅邊嘅一段時光,我不要你係我身上學習到恐懼和傷害,我希望你想起我時會想起我雙手只會給你擁抱,和你一起做飯做麵包;想起我的聲音不是責罵或抱怨,而是跟你說天文地理,歷史科學。
我選擇去聆聽,因為在我成長時難以有人聆聽我;我選擇站在你的一方,因為有時世界是殘忍的,是會把你踐踏,把你吞噬,在你得意忘形時請隨意奔跑,不用記得我,但灰心失落時你要找人傾訴時不會在我口中得到冷嘲熱諷。在人生的每一個階段,我未必會認同你,我未必會贊成你,我未必有能力支持你,但我會嘗試去理解,我會用心去明白你。我不學無術,我不會教你甚麼,這是我僅僅能夠答應你的。
你剛剛才開始的一生,第一個愛的人,第一個信任的人,第一個令你快樂的人是我,而這會是我這一生最珍惜的一個身份。我希望十年後,二十年後,五十年後,也不會改寫,亦希望你在我身上得到力量去愛,去信任,去令其他人快樂。
I hope you will be a happy person because of me, not despite of me.

香蕉蛋糕

Bertie 就嚟一歲,近排佢喊少咗好多,未會獨立企起身,肯玩咗好多,但同時真係訓得好差。彷彿情緒同心理都大個了,知道我總會係度,可以有時自己玩下,但未會行,太多精力,所以訓唔到太多覺,晚晚九點幾先玩到累,佢訓咗無幾耐我都累到要訓,但十二點鐘就開始個個鐘醒,五點半就醒曬訓唔返要人玩。我每朝都好似完全無訓過覺咁。
但同時見佢學野學得好快,學用杯飲水,發出好多聲音學講野,主動攞書俾我講故仔,用手指指住啲圖畫,用唔同嘅聲音表示不滿或唔鐘意,肚餓或眼訓,唔再只係喊。
Whatever, this too shall pass.
我地開始安排係愛丁堡附近揾屋,好緊張,唔知下年的生活會怎樣,但一定和今年好唔同。
又係講食先。
以前有好多野我都唔知可以自己整,近排有另一樣野好隨意唔駛睇食譜就會做,哩樣就係香蕉蛋糕,開始起啡點點的香蕉,除咗做餅乾外,我還經常用它來整蛋糕,我用比較少糖,係普通食譜的一半至三分一,一來我自己唔係特別喜歡甜,二來 Bertie 現在我食乜佢都要試,所以低糖少鹽我就唔駛太避忌,而且香蕉本身都好甜,落少啲糖仲好。
我的鄰居話哩個係佢食過最好食的香蕉蛋糕,我一兩個禮拜都會整一次分啲俾佢兼做兩朝的早餐,住我隔嚟好幸福啊。

香蕉蛋糕

兩至三隻熟香蕉
80g 牛油 (室溫)
100g 幼砂糖 (半杯)
1隻大蛋
1茶羹 雲呢拿精華
180g All purpose flour  (一杯半)
1茶羹 baking soda
1茶羹 鹽

預熱焗爐 175c/375f/ gas mark 4,剪裁牛油紙放入一個一磅的loaf tin 裡。

把牛油和砂糖打勻至輕盈鬆起,加入切細塊的香蕉,繼續攪拌,再加入蛋和雲呢拿精華。分幾次用梢基把麵粉,梳打粉和鹽一起放進牛油混合物,一路加入一路攪拌。

把蛋糕漿倒入loaf tin 放入焗爐焗一個鐘,直至把針或刀吉入時抽起乾淨沒有黐住蛋糕即可。

真係好隨意,我連磅都無用,只係用杯。

Weekly Bertie

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We went to Swanage with Bertie last Saturday. Bertie is in his new t-shirt from Morrison. Ya it is a 4-pieces for £5 pyjamas set but I just love the pattern. Foxes, squirrels, dogs. I am sure he doesn’t mind.

He has turned into a curious little boy from a crying baby since last Monday. He was still crying and whining all day on Sunday and I was thinking, oh hell, how can I do this for another day. But there was a remarkable transformation just happened overnight and since last Monday he has been so contented and eager to play. I still carry him and nurse him a lot, but he starts showing real interest in food, which is a relief. He is still not sleeping a lot, but as I always say, all good as long as he is not crying.

I just love this little man more everyday.

再接再勵

卡琴日好驚喜,讚口不絕,真的很喜歡我的麵包,於是昨晚決定用同樣方法再做多一次。不同的是今次懂在保鮮紙上掃一浸油,和在工作面上落多了麵粉,也給了多點耐性,在等生麵團休息和在焗爐裡的時間也長了,麵包今次好似比上次個皮脆和薄,而裡面的孔明顯多了,也發得大了。
這個方法要用一個有蓋的焗爐盤去困住啲蒸氣去令個皮脆,我屋企只係得哩個瓦兜,唔係好大,今次好似有啲勉強。
出爐啦!好緊張!

等咗一個鐘之後,仲要等多半個鐘先可以試食

好緊張,我無探熱針,擔心唔夠熟。

好靚仔  :)
本身諗住上網買個叫 Dutch Oven 的焗爐盤,咁岩係 Swanage 的義賣店揾到合心水的器皿,只係 £6.5 !真係超好彩。